Genghis Khan

(Note: The information in this one I learned mostly from the book "Genghis Khan and the Making of the Modern World".)

Genghis didn't allow paintings
or drawings of himself, so
the depictions of him were done
after his death. Personally, I like to believe
he looked a lot cooler than this.

You hear the name Genghis Khan and typically the first idea that comes up is a bloodthirsty, vicious barbarian. Well, that's a half truth. He certainly had his moments of savagery, and under his rule countless thousands of people died, but he wasn't as barbaric as some would think. In fact, he was one of the greatest rulers the world has ever seen, and he came from about as low on the totem pole as you could go. He was truly an absolutely brilliant strategist, political mind and forward thinker, eventually becoming one of the most powerful men who has ever lived. His story is filled with victory after victory and consistent quality of life improvements for his people. In Mongolia, Genghis Khan's memory is treated practically like a god, and heck, they really have every reason to do so.

 Genghis Khan's name was Temujin, finding his title he will be better known for much later in his life. He was born into at the time what was a typical Mongolian story - he was part of a nomadic tribe constantly warring with other tribes (although by that I mean mostly just hit and run attacks that steal some women and goods). Friends with another tribe, he was set to marry Borte, a childhood friend of his who would stick with him the rest of his life. He was also the son of the chieftain, an important position but one that would cause great turmoil in his life. His father died at an early age, leaving Temujin to take over his role - unfortunately, this happened pretty early in his life. His tribe could hold no respect or take orders from someone as young as he was, and he and his mother, along with his older siblings, were banished. Now, banishment is pretty rough back in the day. His mother was forced to feed off berries and rats and whatever she could forage for her and her kin. She had no tribe to fall back on, no support, and living in constant fear of some tribe deciding that this banished woman would be useful target practice. Nevertheless, she persevered and kept the family running. However, Temujin wasn't overly fond of the family dynamic. Older siblings in Mongolian culture basically run the show of the younger ones; if he says jump, they jump. Unfortunately for his older brother, he did not know he was dealing with what would one day be someone considered kind of a big (and terrifying) deal. Temujin murdered his brother, presumedly making for a very awkward family brunch the next morning.

That's better. He looks way cooler now.

With the older brother out of the way, things were looking up for our would-be murderous leader. He met with a tribe living close by and befriended Jamukha, a man whom he became intensely close with and they would be exceptionally good friends right up until the time they became fierce and bitter rivals wanting to kill each other. But that didn't happen for a while, as Temujin had his next trial coming right at him... literally, in the form of raiding horsemen. Temujin was captured and forced to live in slavery for most likely what is close to about a decade. A man eventually released him against the orders of his tribe, causing Temujin to make a harrowing escape and returning back to his family once again. He then sought out Borte, neither of whom forgetting about the other despite the length of time between their last visit (long distance relationships were also difficult at the time). He then married Borte, solidifying a relationship between his and her tribe.

He then participated in what was typical Mongolian life at the time - raiding enemy tribes, stealing items and taking their possessions, both goods and women. It was basically an endless system - they would rarely fight and the men would typically just flee on horseback, and eventually the attacked tribe would counterattack and break somewhat even. It was endless; no one really grew to be any great power, and life was stagnant. Temujin didn't approve of this system and sought to change it for the better. Instead of killing enemy tribes, he integrated them. He would take orphans from tribes he defeated as his sons, and would show some degree of mercy towards them, offering them to join under his rule. He would give position to men based not on family ties or by which tribe they were born into but instead through merit and loyalty. His family traditionally did not receive the best treatment, but instead were regular people in his forces with maybe a slight nod to the bloodline now and then. Through integrating with the tribes, he began to grow in power.

Jamukha (if you're too lazy to scroll up, this was his childhood buddy) became displeased with his newfound power and method of ruling. He and Temujin fought a number of small skirmishes and outright wars between them, with Temujin eventually coming out on top. In an early showing of his cunning military strategy, he would sometimes have his men create multiple fires when setting up camp in sight of the enemy, making them believe they had many more men than they actually did. This caused some men to defect to their side, bolstering their forces while weakening the enemy. After defeating Jamukha, he offered peace between them, saying there was still a kinship between them. Jamukha agreed, but said that there was only to be one ruler, and he then could not live as it would be disruptive to that rule. Temujin, with heavy heart, killed Jamukha.

Just look at how much he took over. This is his territory at
the time of his death. It makes Hitler and the Roman
Empire both look like chumps.

...Not so heavy as to slow down his growing power, though. With the defeat of his old friend, Temujin had done the impossible, and united the warring tribes of Mongolia under one banner. He now had a powerful army, and one that would be trained incredibly well using a series of maneuvers that would be performed exclusively on horseback. He carried no infantry in his army, and had an incredibly mobile and fast attack force. They had such a high volume of horses that he often would have his men bring multiple to switch them out at times of warfare to keep them from getting tired. He also brought no supply train, a unique idea, but instead had the live animals follow his army, once again allowing for speed and mobility.

With a force of well trained horsemen at his side, he set his sights to the south and southwest of his territory, a number of cities along the silk road that had numerous luxury goods that Mongolia simply did not have. These cities, however, posed a new, previously unseen problem for the Mongol horde. Walls. The Mongols were not really big on buildings, being a nomadic people, and were completely new to siege warfare. Regardless, Temujin (now given the title of Genghis Khan, basically meaning 'strong ruler') quickly adapted to the new challenge. For one city, he actually diverted the river to flood the city and its inhabitants. For another, he began to build and utilize siege weapons he had discovered from previous attacks. During one assault, he used the brilliant tactic of feigning a hasty retreat leaving a number of the supplies and goods of the Mongols behind. The city guards then went to take the spoils, but were surprise attacked by flanking Mongol horsemen who eagerly ran into the newly opened city walls. He was proving to be an unstoppable, brilliant tactician.

Traditionally, Genghis would enter a city and slaughter the soldiers that stood against him, along with members of the aristocracies that he believed may attempt to rise up against him. The ones he would keep, however, were the men and women who provided some variety of useful service - scholars, engineers, miners and the like that the Mongols had few of. They were integrated into the culture and treated as equals. His raids were wildly successful and his losses very low. There were proving to be few that could stand in his way.

He's on their $1000 bill. Or whatever they call
dollars there. I'm not really sure. Either way,
it's a big number and his face is on it.

Setting his eyes westward to the Khwarezmian Dynasty, he approached with trade in mind. You see, Genghis would not likely attack a city completely by surprise. He would offer their surrender in which he would (honestly) not kill a soul. Problems arose if they didn't take their offer as they would never really get a second one - once you deny the terms, you're done. This time he sent an envoy with a number of costly trade goods to the king of the Khwarezmian Dynasty. Unfortunately for the dynasty (and the envoy) they separated their heads from their body and their goods from the Mongols. Naturally, Genghis Khan was quite upset, which traditionally did not work out very well for those that caused that feeling in him. He then annihilated the cities, allowing some citizens to escape to spread fear of the Mongols to other cities. Genghis Khan effectively used this as propaganda, encouraging stories of atrocities by their armies to weaken the resolve of the enemy cities. However, the Mongols never tortured or caused any unnecessary, excess pain. There was a lot of death, but the deaths were swift. His victories were swift and effective, making him and his empire so incredibly rich that he literally had too many goods to spread around. In a first for him and his culture, they built permanent buildings to house the many spoils of war. Suddenly, Genghis Khan has territory, an unstoppable army, and the love of his people. And he was freaking loaded.

Next up on the chopping block was Russia, a country he sent 20,000 soldiers led by two trusted generals to take. They sent word to a number of Russian princes who knew little of the Mongolian prowess in warfare. The European armies, along with Russia, mostly were composed of foot soldiers and knights that were loaded up in heavy armour. Once again, the Mongols used the retreating tactics and mobility to lure the Russians towards them. Thinking they had them defeated, the Russians chased the Mongols. Genghis Khan allowed them to close but never within striking distance. The fastest Russians were soon separated, and once the forces were spread, the Mongols let loose with a volley of arrows that had greater range than the European bows. On foot and lower in numbers, with their cavalry now exhausted from the horses carrying the heavy armour, they were forced into retreat - running headlong into the advancing, slower forces from before, causing tremendous confusion. Hardly any Mongolians were killed and the Russians were absolutely destroyed, hunted down easily one by one.

Sometime after, Genghis Khan attempted to lay down the law in regards to succession to his throne. By now, he was exceptionally old. This was an issue that was put off for quite some time, as the Mongols, oddly enough, didn't really like to chat about death. Naming an heir to the throne meant the death of the ruler, and that discussion was somewhat taboo. He attempted to set up which of his sons would take his role, but there was intense disagreement within his family and ultimately the cause of the end of the Mongolian empire. They just couldn't last without him. Nowadays, he's an absolute hero for his incredible reign in Mongolia and the numerous outlying areas he took over with ease.

He had a Khan do attitude.

Famous Historical Figures Say the Darndest Things!

1. "I am the punishment of God... If you had not committed great sins, God would not have sent a punishment like me upon you." Genghis Khan was actually really big on religious freedom. His homeland was filled with Christians, Muslims and others. When raiding some of the European countries, he was seen as a punishment for the sins they had committed.
2. "The greatest happiness is to scatter your enemy, to drive him before you, to see his cities reduced to ashes, to see those who love him shrouded in tears, and to gather into your bosom his wives and daughters." I like this quote because he most likely didn't say it. It was attributed to him long after his death, and goes to show just how varied the interpretations on his rule were (and are). 

Aztec Empire

Sigh. Nothing in history really comes all that simply. The first thing you learn when looking up the Aztecs is they aren't really called the Aztecs - at least that's not what they referred to themselves as. The word Aztec is a modern term, as the people that are being discussed are actually the Nahuatl-speaking people of Mexica ethnicity, typically part of the Triple Alliance empire in old-school central Mexico. By old-school I mean 14th to 16th centuries.

I also discovered that learning about the histories of countries that you know little about can have some problems that you wouldn't have anticipated. For instance, is Tepanec a king, city, or kingdom? Those were my first guesses, but as it turns out it's a people. Reading the wikipedia entry meant reading several other entries just to get the most basic understanding of the first. What follows is my best attempt at understanding it.

O.K., so a little history on the Mexica people. They were loyal to the Tepanecs, a much more powerful group at the time. The Mexica helped the Tepanecs in a war against the Acolhua city of Texcoco (the Acolhua name is mostly important in the sense that it's not Mexica or Tepanec, which I'll be talking about more). As a result, the Mexica were gifted the city of Texcoco - the Mexica now owned that, and their capital, Tenochtitlan, quite possibly the most difficult word to spell of all time. Oh boy. I know that's just a paragraph, but I still feel it needs a recap. The Mexica now have Texcoco and Tenochtitlan. The Tepanecs are currently allied with the Mexica.

The jaguar warrior; historians are unsure if it's a man
wearing the skin of a jaguar or a jaguar consuming a man.

The Mexica were buddies with the Tepanec king, Tezozomoc - bad news is, he died. Since no one plays nice when there's that much power to be taken, a succession disagreement sparked a civil war. The Mexica, ruled under Itzcoatl, a ruler who is missing several vowels, supported one son, but he was assassinated by his brother Maxtla who usurped the throne. The Mexica king was not so happy with this newcomer, and the feeling was mutual. Maxtla blockaded Tenochtitlan, presumedly because he was as frustrated with trying to pronounce it as I am, and demanded increased tributes. Naturally, that's going to screw a city pretty hard, and the Mexica prepared for war. The Aztec Empire was formed in essentially what is called the Triple Alliance, formed from the cities of Tenochtitlan, Texococo, and a Tepanec city that joined against their new king, Tlacopan. They went to war against the Tepanec king and won, splitting the defeated empire into three.

Over the next century, the Triple Alliance became quite powerful through the means of a tribute based empire. To solidify their position, they began to burn old books of the previous empire, changed the religion and rewrote the histories to have more of a Mexica central focus. They began to turn to imperial means of power and took over cities and tribes close to their centre, replacing uncooperative kings with puppet rulers loyal to the Mexica. The cooperative kings had bonuses in the form of tribute from far away lands; in a sense, they were running a pyramid scheme. Stay true to the main boss, and you'll have your own little empire. The difference is instead of selling useless products, they were allowed to govern by their own methods and stay under the protection of the empire - significantly more appealing than your buddies coming up to you saying "I have this excellent business opportunity for you".

Motecuzoma II - his title says he
is the leader of the Aztecs, but his
stance says "hey, big boy".

Their expansion started to become rather lucrative, and tribute flowed in like nobody's business. Over the next eighty or so years, they took over much of what is present day central Mexico. Naturally, the first leader couldn't lead forever and the leadership was passed on to Motecuzoma, a nephew of Itzcoatl. Now, he's not to be confused with the second Motecuzoma, a leader of the same name some time down the line. In what seems like a deliberate attempt to confuse historians, they didn't call him Motecuzoma II, possibly because that sounds like a horror movie.

The rulers for the empire typically had to deal with border issues with the Tarascan empire who were expanding west of them, a power they just couldn't overtake. In addition to that, they often had to quell uprisings in their communities, regardless of the fact that the empire was pretty hands-off. Think of it like the Mafia - they will give you protection in turn for tribute, but they're not going to tell you how to run your business. Oh, and protection means "we, personally, won't kill you and your family".

So things are good. They have tribute flowing, they're powerful, their borders may be contested by the Tarascan but they're holding their own. What could possibly break this empire up? Oh, right... Europeans. The Spanish conquistador Hernan Cortes, landing in 1519 with only 100 sailors and 530 soldiers, spelled the end. They were mostly only armed with a sword and shield along with a few horses, but despite the fact that the technology was vastly superior, that alone wasn't what was going to take down the Aztec rule - they were aided by large numbers of Indians, upset with the rule of the Aztecs and deciding to side with these mysterious Spanish. Oh, and smallpox. A lot of smallpox. That'll do the trick. Tenochtitlan eventually was destroyed, thus ending the empire.

Unfortunately, Motecuzoma did not expect the Spanish inquisi- ...I mean smallpox. They didn't expect the Spanish smallpox.

Famous Historical Figures Say the Darndest Things!

1. "The meals were served in a large hall, in which Motecuzoma was accustomed to eat, and the dishes quite filled the room, which was covered with mats and kept very clean." Yeah... I guess they weren't big on quotable stuff. That's the best I've got - they were clean and had mats. This rousing speech was given by Cortes.

Pierre Elliot Trudeau

As a Canadian, I hate the fact that I have to actively convince students that our history is interesting. It's not an inherent belief; our education system in regards to our own country's history is shockingly poor. We go over the same boring crap, it's done without flavour, without passion, and Canada often feels like just another country we learn about rather than our own. It's a darn shame, because we have a heck of a lot of exciting, interesting and globally consequential events and people in our time. Right up there with my favourites is Pierre Trudeau.

Trudeau lived much of his life as a highly educated and politically active lawyer - which, I'll admit, is quite uninteresting. I'm going to do everyone a favour and skip ahead to his bigger political life, right about when he becomes the Minister of Justice. He introduced laws and policies that are really modern sounding, considering this was the sixties. His Criminal Law Amendment Act decriminalized homosexual acts (presumedly celebrated by a parade), legalized contraception (making Canada considerably more fun), allowed abortion (just in case you forgot that contraception was legal, I guess), allowed lotteries (to give hope to those who didn't want the abortions) and new gun ownership restrictions (so they couldn't off themselves after losing the lottery). These are some seriously new-age liberal ideas, and he was at the forefront of them in Canada. This made him seen as somewhat of a radical, even within his own party, but nonetheless he won the leadership of the Liberal party, taking the position as Prime Minister two weeks later on April 20th.

A picture that requires no snarky comment; Pierre Trudeau,
Canadian prime minister, doing a pirouette
behind the Queen.

He called an election for June 25th (keep in mind he won the leadership for the party, not the country - he took in the party election as the Liberals already were in power). Canada was swept under a wave of what one reporter famously regarded as "Trudeaumania" - people freaking loved Trudeau. He had the charm, good looks and quick wit that are so often absent in politics, and the youth vote especially absolutely ate it up. It would be exceptionally hard to argue a P.M. has ever come close to matching the charisma of Trudeau - he was the playa of the Canadian political sphere. Sealing the deal for his victory in the election was the events of the Saint-Jean-Baptiste Day parade in Montreal. At the time (and pretty much all the time throughout Canadian history) the French were busy being outraged at something the country was doing, and decided to take it out on the debonair Trudeau. Quebec separatists threw bottles and rocks at him, but he still just sat in his chair and didn't move a muscle. The man came for a parade, and he left with an air of courage around him - he won a lot of votes that day off sheer ballsiness.

Pierre chillin' with Castro, whom he befriended.
Castro later attended Trudeau's funeral. 

Trudeau started what would be an exceptionally long run at the head of the country (yes, yes, technically the Queen and Governor General is higher but I refuse to acknowledge that crap). He was the leader from 1968-1979, a run that brought in the idea of the "Just Society" to Canadian politics. Trudeau was a huge advocate of universal healthcare, regional development, expanding the welfare state and helping the underprivileged. In a lot of ways he wanted to bring in a European style social democracy - this is typically fine in Canadian terms, as we are usually happy if we are as un-American as we can be. Bilingualism and multiculturalism also came to the forefront of his leadership.

During that run, Trudeau had to face one of the most difficult trials a Prime Minister could face. The Front de Liberation du Quebec, an exceptionally radical separatist organization that through a series of terrorist actions created the October Crisis. Members kidnapped the British trade consul James Cross as well as the Minister of Labour in Quebec, Pierre Laporte. Laporte was eventually murdered. During the crisis Trudeau put forth the War Measures Act, allowing the government to arrest and detain without trial, the first and last time Canadian basic rights have been denied in peacetime. Despite the radical movement and suspension of rights, the public favoured the decision overall. Trudeau was decisive, and handled the pressure well. Eventually, he had the terrorists cornered with Cross as a hostage, and he made a deal with them that sent them to Cuba. They eventually returned to Canada and were arrested.

Despite the sound handling of the FLQ, Trudeau lost his election in 1979 as he began to come across as arrogant in spite of the fact that the national debt was skyrocketing and the economy was floundering. This was largely due to a controversial screwing of western Canada in the National Energy Policy. The plan was to help the whole of Canada by introducing social policies that essentially took money from western oil - it lowered prices to the rest of Canada while increasing tariffs elsewhere to force trade within borders. Alberta alone lost somewhere between 50-100 billion dollars during this, and if there's one thing people won't forget, it's when someone takes their money. Regardless, Trudeau was reelected in 1980. This showed a huge divide in Canada, and also highlighted the lack of power of the western half of Canada. Trudeau won no seats west of Manitoba, but won the election anyways. As an Albertan... bogus.

Rugged; picture most likely taken while on the
open road or deep in the woods.

Things were different in Canada east, though - still not great, but different. He defeated a referendum on Quebec sovereignty and patriated the constitution (meaning we basically got it from the British so we could officially do whatever we wanted on our own). There was a boost in popularity for a while, but people needed a change, and there was little future left politically for Trudeau.

Honestly, most of Canada has a love him or hate him attitude towards Trudeau. I believe there's two ways of looking at him - you'll hate him if you love the economy (which he hurt pretty darn bad) and you'll love him if you hate uncharismatic politicians that lack conviction. That, or hate him if you're west of Manitoba. That seems to work out pretty well.

Famous Historical Figures Say the Darndest Things!

1. "Just watch me." Oooooh this quote gets my Canadian patriotism all riled up. Trudeau said this in response to a reporter asking just how far he was willing to go against the FLQ.
2. "What is the nature of your thoughts, gentlemen, when you say 'fuddle duddle' or something like that?" You see, Trudeau MAY have mouthed the f-bomb to an opposition party MP. When questioned about it, he just said 'fuddle duddle'... no big deal. Note: he probably didn't say fuddle duddle.
3. "There's no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation." This was his statement on his pro gay rights movement. 

Gaius Julius Caesar

Roman. Died in March.

That's pretty much all I knew about Caesar going into this. Historical relevance doesn't grow with age, and anything that happened before the time of Christ (Caesar's life was around the last century B.C.) might just slip through the high school history textbook cracks. Well, in all fairness most of what I remember from my grade school social classes were heaps of fur trade information and the occasional unit on countries seemingly chosen out of a hat (Brazil, Russia and Japan to name a few).

I really wish the eyes
didn't look like that.

First thing you learn about Caesar is his name is much more complex than you would imagine. Naming conventions were different back then in comparison to the modern ways. Julius or "of the Julii" is his surname, with Gaius as his given name - simple so far. However, Caesar, oddly enough what you hear more often than not, is actually a cognomen; a cognomen being something akin to a nickname for last names that carry through generations, later being made into a hereditary line within the clan - the clan being the Julia. The name Caesar could have come from a number of sources, but the most likely one was the first Caesar was killed by an elephant in battle (caesai, in Moorish) which raises a great number of further questions that this blog does not have the length for. Either way, Caesar must have liked that meaning as he often put elephants on his coins, commemorating his forefather's accomplishment of being trampled to death. It's important to note that Roman naming conventions changed a fair bit throughout the years, further making it darn near impossible to understand any of it.

His family was not the most prolific and didn't hold the most political sway, but they were still somewhat high on the totem pole. He became a high priest of Jupiter, but quickly lost that position as changing powers in the republic (usually resulting in bloodbaths comprised of the political opposition) meant he had to step down and lay low for a while, giving up his dowry and inheritance in the process. Eventually his family bargained with the ruler at the time, and he left Rome to join the army without major fears of prosecution; this was indirectly a result of having been ousted from the priesthood, as he could never have been leading an army in that position. Priests of Jupiter are not allowed to touch a horse, sleep three nights outside his own bed (or one night outside Rome) or look upon an army - the last one being particularly difficult for someone hoping to be in the military.

Hearing of the death of the ruling power and hoping for a little more lenience in the new leader, Caesar returned to Rome. He began to learn the legal and political ropes and quickly rose to prominence due to his excellent oratory skills and his open hatred of corruption and extortion, common problems in the Roman political sphere. Eventually he was sent to rule over Spain, and in what would soon be known to be a rather typical trait of Caesar, he acquired some very large debts - he wasn't particularly good with money, and had the same ability to over-spend as a present day shopping crazed teenage girl with a credit card. Fortunately, he had a friend in Marcus Licinius Crassus, which most of the aforementioned teenaged girls do not. He bailed out Caesar, a reasonable favour considering he had backed Crassus politically against his rival, Pompey - but more on that rascal later.

He didn't rule with an iron fist - just a
claw, apparently.

Caesar then went to win the title of consul, a prominent magistracy in the Republic. To gain political clout and power, he attempted to reconcile Crassus and Pompey, two men frequently at odds with each other. If successful, he would be able gain just a ridiculous amount of power - Crassus was absolutely loaded, and Pompey was far from poor and had a military to boot. He once again supported Crassus politically in his efforts to make Egypt a tributary of Rome, and to win over Pompey he whored out his daughter Julia - but that wasn't so bad back then. He succeeded, and the three powers were known as the First Triumvirate.

Caesar then began to earn his reputation of being a man of the people. He proposed a law for the redistribution of public lands to the poor, which went through mostly due to the powers of the Triumvirate. Pompey, using his military powers, lined the city with soldiers to make sure no one would speak against it. Regardless, one man in the senate was vocally opposed and in turn he was beaten. Oh, and they threw some crap on him. The whole event had two results; Caesar was loved by the commoners, but in turn he was losing the favour of many of the status holding men - ancient Rome's 1%, basically.

Eventually his consulship ended, resulting in Caesar becoming a governor. In typical Caesar fashion, he was terribly in debt, but he knew military adventures were a good way to find some of the coin he's lost. He then went out to conquer Gaul, in which have been increasingly more frustrating to the powers of Rome as their Germanic tribes were becoming powerful and occasionally defeating Roman armies. However, they were crushed by Caesar, solving his money woes and expanding the borders of Rome quite significantly. It was, however, a fairly long expedition and there were troubles back home. The Triumvirate was dead - literally and figuratively. Crassus was killed in battle and Pompey's Caesar-given wife died in childbirth. Pompey then married a political rival of Caesar, and Rome was on the precipice of civil war. It makes you wonder what would have happened if Pompey's wife/Caesar's daughter didn't die plopping out that kid.

Pompey demanded Caesar disband his army in Gaul and return to Rome immediately. Caesar, not particularly inclined to taking orders and calling off militaries, crossed the Rubicon (the frontier boundary of Italy) and marched on Rome with only a single legion. While one legion is not particularly strong, it's significantly quicker than vast armies, and Caesar's legion was able to drive Pompey and the senate from Rome as they were unable to field an army before he arrived. Although Pompey did eventually find the army he was looking for, he was defeated at the hands of Caesar. Sometime after, Caesar gained more political power and eventually became a dictator.

There was, however, a matter of the senate and all the others who fled. Cato, a prominent member and a political enemy of Caesar's since his run for consul, was still at large along with Cicero and Cassius, friends of Pompey. United against him, Caesar had to defeat their armies as well, which he did quite successfully. Although Cato committed suicide upon realizing his defeat, Cicero and Cassius went to Caesar apologetically. Oddly enough, he not only pardoned them but gave them pretty decent positions. Say what you want about him, but he wasn't big on grudges and he kind of had a thing for mercy. Huh. Not the typical dictator. He also pursued Pompey to officially end the civil war, but found out that in a sense the job was done for him; Pompey, fleeing to Egypt, was then assassinated by the residents thinking they would gain favour with Rome. Caesar mourned the loss and turned the tables on the assassins and had them executed. Apparently Caesar thought of the civil war as a mere squabble between some old friends... which, you know, cost the lives of thousands. But still.

Caesar, looking mildly perturbed by his murder.

Now without any major political opposition he was free to do what all dictators do - which is pretty much whatever the heck he wanted. He detested the current system of the republic, as he believed the lack of central government, imperialist values that has spread its borders exceptionally far, and provinces that were Roman only in name as they controlled their own affairs for the most part had weakened the power of Rome. He then established a new constitution, made a great number of political and economic shifts resulting in reduced debt, giving land to his veterans, replacing the calendar with the Egyptian's system (one that is basically the same as ours today) and had many more plans that would have soon come to fruition if it wasn't for the fact that he was, you know, killed and all.

You see, it wasn't forgotten that Caesar was a man of the common people but not that of nobility. The senate did not favour Caesar, and previous hatreds refused to die out. Brutus and Longinus, two men who had favoured Pompey's side in the civil war, were pardoned by Caesar. However, this wasn't enough, and they planned his murder, a vicious group-stabbing (significantly worse than a regular stabbing, as this one included many more stabs). Their plan succeeded, and with a multitude of stab wounds the dictator was no more.

To the dismay of the assassins, the lower and middle class of Rome was enraged. His funeral resulted in a riot fuelled by the outrage caused by the death of who really was the people's champion. Eventually, his death led to the beginnings of the Roman Empire. Honestly, after reading all this I feel this was one of the few major historical figures who was actually a good guy. He pardoned his enemies, advanced the social and economic status of his homeland, respected his veterans who fought for him, and opposed political corruption. Caesar came to power without simply walking over those beneath him. I'm sure most would agree - save for that guy who had the crap thrown on him.

Reports are unconfirmed whether or not Julius Caesar would like the salad or the smoothie shop similar to him in name.

Famous Historical Figures Say the Darndest Things!

1. "The die is cast." Caesar said these words after crossing the Rubicon to begin the civil war with Pompey. If you don't have any short phrases that carry a great deal of significance, you're not a historical leader. They've all got one.
2. "Veni, vidi, vici." Meaning "I came, I saw, I conquered," this is one of the first instances of someone saying "eh, no big deal" after doing something that is, in fact, a very large deal indeed.
3. "And you, son?" This was spoken to Brutus, and supposedly the last words Caesar spoke. Shakespeare's version is the more popular "et tu, Brute?" meaning "you too, Brutus?". 

Attila the Hun

The history of Attila the Hun, according to Wikipedia at least, is not at all what I expected. There was a strange lack of... well, barbarism. I mean, we all have heard of Attila for all the wrong reasons - he was nicknamed the “Scourge of God”, after all. Just take a moment and consider just how evil one has to be to get that title. Wikipedia told a story of a conquerer, but one no worse than Napoleon and Alexander in the sense that he took over and controlled a great deal of land. I had to look into other sources that informed me that the sacking of the cities he conquered was notoriously brutal. He would reduce the cities to ash, torture the citizens, kill pretty well everything, and raid the gold and treasures like it was going out of fashion. So take the rest of this entry with the knowledge that during all these wars and attacks, he did go pretty savage.

This image still causes many a Roman to wet themselves.

That aside, his story is pretty darn amazing considering the sheer volume of territory he took over in a relatively short period of time. Unfortunately, considering his notoriety, he’s not as historically documented as many of the great leaders of history. It’s hard to pinpoint any personality associated with Attila as the Hunnic people had no written word - every account of Attila came from his enemies. That’s not exactly going to give a fair and unbiased opinion. The best accounts of Attila by any means are from the Roman diplomat Priscus, who went to the Hunnic court and saw/met/chatted up Attila. Heck, people hardly even know what he looked like. One of the few written depictions of him is a second hand account from someone who knew Priscus. A lot of Attila’s history, as well as where he’s buried, is shrouded in mystery.

Regardless, there are facts that are guaranteed. Testimonies from contemporaries, albeit scattered ones, still remain as well as some sources from Greek and Latin enemies of the Huns. Some of the oral history of the Huns (the predominant way the Huns passed down their history) reached literate Scandinavians and Germans, but this was centuries later and the reliability is therefore pretty questionable. So you have this conquerer, the “Scourge of God” and leader of the bloodthirsty and vicious Hunnic empire, and we know hardly a thing about him because he isn’t freaking literate. Stay in school, kids, ‘cause I’m a little choked about this.

The Huns began attacking the Eastern Roman Empire, specifically the Gothic kingdom between the Carpathian mountains and the Danube (the former being mountains in central and eastern Europe, and the latter a major European river). They were so terrified of the Huns, they tried their luck in deeper Roman lands, causing problems for the Romans due to the fact that the Germanic tribes they were attacking caused uprisings against the Romans. Naturally, the Romans were, you know, pissed about this. Oddly enough, the Romans used the Huns as mercenaries to quell some of the uprisings. In a sense the Huns were doubling up on the gold - raiding the towns and then taking the gold from the Romans for defending them against those that fled. Point, Huns.

Attila, pictured killing a man with his thoughts alone.
On the left is the earliest known depiction of a facepalm.

This is about the time our bloodthirsty anti-hero enters the mix. Atilla and Bleda (brothers) came into control of the Hunnic empire after the death of the king in 434. The Roman emperor Theodosius II was wary of the Huns but made a treaty with them regardless. Not forgetting he was making a deal with a man who was less than a sterling reputation, he strengthened the walls of Constantinople, the capital of the Eastern Roman Empire. Naturally he was right to be worried, as God scourges don’t get their name through diplomacy and peace treaties. The Huns attacked the city states along the Danube sometime after, breaking the treaty in what must have honestly been pretty gosh darn predictable. To compound the worries for the Romans, the Vandals (the people, not the petty criminals) began attacking the Roman province of Africa - O.K., maybe they had some criminal blood in them... Anyways, it required a great number of troops to head down there and take care of business - a great number of troops from the Balkans, which Attila and Bleda realized afterwards just became easy conquer fodder. With battering rams and siege towers (the latter being particularly ridiculous looking) they overran the military centers with ease. City after city fell, and Hun expansion was rampant.

Rome, presumedly better at weeping over the graves of the fallen than fighting the Huns, decided to offer some terms of peace - 2kg of gold, a tripled yearly tribute, and a ransom for each Roman prisoner; prisoners who I assume were treated with the utmost respect. Well, this treaty lasted for a little but, but soon Attila was at it again. He tried invading north, but soon he had to make a retreat after taking far too heavy of losses. On the way back, his brother was killed - by none other than Attila, of course. Now, once again this comes down to a lack of written evidence, but it seems that either he killed his brother outright or his brother tried to kill him, in which he retaliated. Either way - dead Belda, full-power Attila. I believe in Age of Empires 2, Bleda attacked Attila, and they've never steered me wrong before.

Once again, he turned his sights on Rome and rampaged the Balkans as far as Thermopylae. He would have taken the capital of the historically bombarded Constantinople if it wasn’t for the fact that they hastily rebuilt their walls (previously damaged in an earthquake, an act of God that almost helped the “Scourge of God”) it would have fallen. The lands around them did not fare so well - a witness recounts: “And there were so many murders and blood-lettings that the dead could not be numbered. Ay, for they took captive the churches and monasteries and slew the monks and maidens in great numbers.” Sheesh. Even the maidens.

Oddly enough, he made an alliance with the Western Roman Empire and the emperor Valentinian III, helped along by his good standing with the general Flavius Aetius, one of the greatest generals with a rhyming name. This was all well and good until Valentinian’s sister Honoria decided that she didn’t want to marry the Roman senator she was set to wed (in all fairness, Roman senators were typically old and gross looking, if movies have told me anything) and asked the leader of the barbaric Huns for marriage advice. And by marriage advice, I mean she sent her engagement ring and a note pleading for help. Attila, actually somewhat reasonable in this case, thought that meant an invitation for marriage. Atilla, being slightly less reasonable, thought it would be all gravy to take half the Western Empire as a dowry. She was eventually exiled (although Valentinian was down for straight up murdering her).

Uh... I think he's the guy on the white horse on the right.
Or one of the flying ones. I'm not sure. He's there, though.

Despite the exile, Attila has not forgotten Honoria and was quite excited about the prospect. In 452 he invaded Italy and raided and ravaged as he stormed his merry way to Rome. As a sidenote, Venice was actually created through this as many citizens fled and took up residence elsewhere while Attila was wrecking their homeland. Attila’s advance was slowed due to Aetius, who despite having small numbers, attacked without major battles but instead with minor skirmishes called shadow forces - not as cool as ninjas, but with an equally cool name. Further hurting the Hun advance was disease and hunger; the crops that year were particularly poor, and ransacking the cities did little to feed the army. While he still could have likely sacked Rome, Valentinian sent three envoys and successfully discussed the terms of peace with the ravaged Huns. Attila retreated back to his lands, presumedly weepy over a lack of a good Roman wife.

While the life of a Hun surely was not a safe one, Attila met a tragically boring end. He died of what was most likely either a nosebleed or complications from too much alcohol. No final stand, no bloody war, but either a child’s problem or a frat boy’s problem. His tomb was made of gold, iron and silver and the men who buried him were murdered in order to keep the location of his tomb of mystery. There we go, Attila. That’s much more your style.

While we cannot know for sure, it is safe to assume that once Attila's mother learned of her pregnancy, she proclaimed: "I've got a Hun in the oven!".

Famous Historical Figures Say the Darndest Things

Unfortunately, this section has to remain empty. As far as I can tell, there are no quotes from Attila due to the whole "no written language thing." You don't need to read to raid.

Leonidas

Leonidas. The hero king of Sparta - not just a regular king, but a hero king. The name itself means "son of the lion." For comparison, my name means "light;dark" as if even my name itself is plagued by indecision. He is even said to be a descendant of Heracles himself. To say the least, Leonidas was born with some mighty big sandals to fill. 

Despite being born into a royal family, Leonidas was not set to take the throne from birth. Having an older brother, Cleomenes, means that he was second in line. In addition to missing out on the crown, he also had to have a freaking terrible childhood, especially considering what a lot of ancient history royalty would receive. All male Spartans, except for the first born males of royalty (curse you, lucky Cleomenes!) were sent to the agoge. This was basically boot camp done Spartan style... so, basically just much worse than boot camp. Also, it's for kids. 

The purpose of the agoge was education and training for all forms of Greek life. This meant stealth, loyalty, military training, hunting, dancing (I bet Leo' was a wonderful dancer), singing (Sweet home Apollonia...) and social preparation (which I can only assume is some form of beating). If this doesn't sound so bad, consider the fact that the military training had a lot to do with learning pain tolerance - and there aren't a lot of ways to learn pain tolerance. Oh, and the stealth? They would starve the kids so they would learn how to steal, thus learning stealth. The penalties for stealing were also quite harsh, so they best learn quick. When they completed the schooling with what I assume is a diploma made from an enemy warrior's scalp, they were named the "walls of Sparta". Add being a wall to Leonidas' impressive list of titles. 

Leonidas taking "wall of Sparta" too
literally, becoming stone.

Sometime while he's stealing apples and bread ninja style and singing about it later, Leonidas' brother became king upon the death of his father. Unfortunately for the new king Cleomenes, he kinda lost his mind and was exiled out of the city. Now it was time for our 300 action star to take the throne. As a side note, Leonidas also married Cleomenes daughter, Gorgo. I assume that despite the fact that it's incest, Leonidas just couldn't resist such a beautiful and womanly name such as that (it falls one letter short of gorgon, a hideous mythological creature, and one letter shy of gorgos, which means dreadful. Gorgo must have been a hideous baby).

Being a king wasn't going to be an easy job. Persia was at their doorstep, standing tall with one of the largest armies on record, ready to attack a much smaller Greece. Regardless, Leonidas was poised for war. However, he wasn't simply allowed to go to war as he so pleased, and he needed to visit an Oracle in order to be blessed by the gods before he could leave to fight; this is where they told him that one incredibly powerful bastion of manhood was about to fall - Leondias or Sparta. Naturally, he left to go fight. Leonidas was chosen to lead the combined Greek forces and meet Persia in a narrow pass that was the only way to the heartland. 

Soon the battle of Thermopyle was underway. Leonidas took a mere three hundred men to fight the vast armies of Persia, along with a number of men from Athens and other allied Greek city states of whom he met along the way. He eventually roused a number of them to battle, likely about 7,500. However, that was still a paltry number considering who was to meet on the field; Xerxes, the Persian leader. Oh, and he also had somewhere between 100,000 to 200,000 men with him. I suppose they're pretty important to mention.

The wikipedia description for this picture
claimed him to be "heroically nude".  Not even
once have I been called that.

On the first day of battle 2,500 Greeks died but at the cost of 20,000 Persian lives, two of which were Xerxes' brothers. The Immortals, the elite fighting squad of the Persian army (bear in mind the majority of the Persians were poorly equipped slaves) were deployed to break the ranks of the well trained, battle hardened Spartan force, but to no avail. The line was holding. It went down in history as one of the best examples of the benefits of using terrain to aid a battle, as well as proper training and equipment. It also went down in history as being the coolest last stand battle ever. The latter may be more opinion based.

In the end, Leonidas was killed due to the narrow pass that provided these advantages being made useless due to a secondary route that allowed the Persians to flank the Spartans. This was made known to the Persians by a Greek traitor named Ephialtes, a man whose name has gone down in history as a traitorous prick for centuries. Upon hearing the Persians were going to rout them, Leonidas sent the majority of his men back to safety, but stayed to ensure their safety in their retreat. What a baller. While he may have been defeated, allowing the Persian armies to roll through and take over Athens, other Greeks took up the charge and pushed Xerxes back after he removed much of his army after fearing being trapped in Greek lands. 

Leonidas, contrary to popular modern depictions, did not defeat his enemies in slow motion.

Famous Historical Figures Say the Darndest Things!

1. "Come and take!" A statue has since been put up in Greece with the words "Come and Take" engraved on it. Supposedly that is what Leonidas yelled when the Persians asked them to lay down their weapons. 300 may have exaggerated, but a lot of the over-the-top one-liners in that movie were recorded words from the son of a lion himself and the army at his side.
2. "Have a good breakfast, men, for we dine in Hades!" Leonidas said this on the morning of what would be their death at the hands of the Persians.

Napoleon Bonaparte

There are three stages of university that allow you to gauge where you are in terms of the degree in which you care about your grades. The first stage is your early years where you still believe attendance is going to better you and your marks regardless of what is going on that day. The second stage is when you start becoming jaded and you realize you can easily miss the presentations and still be O.K. - this happened in EDIT (years later I have yet to learn what that acronym stands for) class when we had three weeks straight of presentations, of which I attended two. The third stage is where I’m at today. You show up for the first time in a while and realize there’s presentations going on, but at that point it’s too late to skip out on them. Your past attendance record (or lack thereof) was ultimately your undoing. 

"'I am the state'? Ha! I
am the fancy!"

Naturally, this seemed like a good time to learn some history. I’ve been facing an embarrassingly strong addiction to Civilization 5 lately. The game centers around real civilizations, so the leaders have certain unique buildings and military units are all related to the cultures you choose. Of course, all of the leaders are major figures in history as well. I usually choose Napoleon in these games because generations ago I apparently have some Frenchmen in the ancestry. I would choose Canada, but unfortunately they aren’t in the game. Honestly, having John A. Macdonald as a leader with Mounties as a unique military unit and a Maple Syrup Facility or Hockey Rink as their unique buildings that replace a market or stadium respectively would be freaking amazing. I’d play that in a heartbeat, but alas, no such option exists. I suppose I’ll have to settle with this fanciful man in knee socks and tight pants who is apparently checking how effective his ab workouts have been as of late (see left).

To justify my addiction I feel I should at least take something out of it and learn a little of the history of the guy that I’m currently rolling over Ghandi as (suck it, pacifists, I have musketmen). This meant a little wikipediaing during the presentations in which I learned a lot. Somehow, the man in the above picture was one of the greatest military commanders of all time. He also rose to the rank of emperor, a title slightly cooler than king and slightly less so than czar. Bonaparte was the first of which France has seen in over a thousand years. He also benefitted from having a 1970s rock star mullet (as seen below) - with a bow because... because France.

Napoleon, ruining his picture with
that absolutely ridiculous bow.

Napoleon’s wikipedia entry got me off to an interesting start. Apparently, he was born into a family of noble Italian ancestry. The future French emperor with Italian parents? That’s a little confusing. They sure as heck wouldn’t allow that in America - just ask Arnold Scwarzenegger.  But anyways, Napoleon’s early life wasn’t really so consequential - at least not compared to the importance the timeframe in which he was born was. Napoleon would be about twenty years old at the time of the French Revolution, which in a sense paved the path to his eventual rise to power. He became a military commander in the French First Republic which came to be shortly after the revolution when everyone was... well lets just say there were some beheadings going on and everything was going pretty bananas. The other European monarchies, both seeing a possible weakness in the French and fearful of a revolution against the monarchies of their own respective lands, waged wars in attempts to squelch the revolutionary might. Bonaparte had a bone to pick (sigh... sorry) and went off to war against Austria and Prussia. Napoleon held them off leaving only the Brits to fight, who without allies soon gave way to the advance - at least for now.

Soon after they were at it again in the Second Coalition. However, this time it started sans Bonaparte, who was off in Egypt at the time causing some trouble and flipping off the sphinx. Upon hearing word that his homeland was going to war again, he returned and held the line once more. He also led a successful invasion of the Italian peninsula, and considering Napoleon’s “I raid who I want to and when I want to” type attitude, he probably just wanted some pizza. Possibly lasagna if his small stature made him particularly cat-like.

Having made a name for himself, he started to convene with revolutionaries to stage a coup d’etat with Abbe Sieyes, a politician in the republic in power at the time in the wake of the revolution. However, in a Seinfeld-esque ruse, he formed a coup within a coup and eventually turned it into a military affair, which he would naturally be well inclined to lead. He then became first council until becoming an emperor after a plebiscite. In short, not only was Napoleon an excellent military commander, but he really knew how to play his political cards right. To quote him: “I am sometimes a fox and sometimes a lion. The whole secret of government lies in knowing when to be the one or the other.” He basically bided his time until he could use his force. He’s like Hitler except without all the anti-semitism and mustaches. In fact, maybe if Hitler learned from Napoleon’s mistakes in attacking Russia, we would have a very different world as we know it, but more on that later.

Shortly after his rise to emperor, he fought a number of wars against - guess who? - even more coalitions. He was incredibly successful and soon began to dominate much of Europe. While the map didn’t necessarily reflect just how wide reaching Napoleon’s rule was, this wasn’t because of a lack of army value or power. Instead, he employed many of  his family in vassal states, meaning he sent his relatives to rule over other countries thus maintaining French loyalty and power. He was basically rolling through Europe as an unstoppable machine, but he feared fighting Britain and left them relatively untouched. I mean, they didn’t call it the Hundred Years War for nothing - fighting Britain, a country known for their vast armies and mighty sea power, would be a nightmare to attack. Surely, attacking Russia would be the better plan, thought Hitler. Err... I mean, Napoleon.

Nope. Attacking Russia is never a good idea. Not because of number of troops, fighting ability or weaponry. Oh no. Russia doesn’t need that. Russia had two major factors that proved to defeat the French advance, and those were cold and sheer size. The Russians simply didn’t fight the French very often, and instead retreated further and further into the heart of Russian territory. They used their scorched earth policy, meaning they burned everything in their wake, leaving no supplies to forage to fuel the increasingly hungry and battle weary Frenchmen. An eventual retreat was inevitable, in which the cold Russian winter set in and did more damage than weaponry ever could. Napoleon was broken, and he was later exiled to Elba. 

However, Napoleon thought himself indomitable, and exile just wasn’t made for him. He returned to France and rose to power once again before being defeated at Waterloo, his last stand. His second reign was much shorter and held nowhere near the same steam his previous expedition had. Once again, he was sent into confinement and, under suspicious circumstances, Napoleon was no more.

Time-traveller aficionados argue to this day if "Napoleon Dynamite" was named after Bonaparte, or the other way around.

Famous Historical Figures Say the Darndest Things!

1. "There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous."
2. "I am a monarch of God's creation, and you reptiles of the earth dare not oppose me. I render an account of my government to none save God and Jesus Christ."
3. "Destiny urges me to a goal of which I am ignorant. Until that goal is attained I am invulnerable, unassailable. When destiny has accomplished her purpose in me, a fly may suffice to destroy me."