Attila the Hun

The history of Attila the Hun, according to Wikipedia at least, is not at all what I expected. There was a strange lack of... well, barbarism. I mean, we all have heard of Attila for all the wrong reasons - he was nicknamed the “Scourge of God”, after all. Just take a moment and consider just how evil one has to be to get that title. Wikipedia told a story of a conquerer, but one no worse than Napoleon and Alexander in the sense that he took over and controlled a great deal of land. I had to look into other sources that informed me that the sacking of the cities he conquered was notoriously brutal. He would reduce the cities to ash, torture the citizens, kill pretty well everything, and raid the gold and treasures like it was going out of fashion. So take the rest of this entry with the knowledge that during all these wars and attacks, he did go pretty savage.

This image still causes many a Roman to wet themselves.

That aside, his story is pretty darn amazing considering the sheer volume of territory he took over in a relatively short period of time. Unfortunately, considering his notoriety, he’s not as historically documented as many of the great leaders of history. It’s hard to pinpoint any personality associated with Attila as the Hunnic people had no written word - every account of Attila came from his enemies. That’s not exactly going to give a fair and unbiased opinion. The best accounts of Attila by any means are from the Roman diplomat Priscus, who went to the Hunnic court and saw/met/chatted up Attila. Heck, people hardly even know what he looked like. One of the few written depictions of him is a second hand account from someone who knew Priscus. A lot of Attila’s history, as well as where he’s buried, is shrouded in mystery.

Regardless, there are facts that are guaranteed. Testimonies from contemporaries, albeit scattered ones, still remain as well as some sources from Greek and Latin enemies of the Huns. Some of the oral history of the Huns (the predominant way the Huns passed down their history) reached literate Scandinavians and Germans, but this was centuries later and the reliability is therefore pretty questionable. So you have this conquerer, the “Scourge of God” and leader of the bloodthirsty and vicious Hunnic empire, and we know hardly a thing about him because he isn’t freaking literate. Stay in school, kids, ‘cause I’m a little choked about this.

The Huns began attacking the Eastern Roman Empire, specifically the Gothic kingdom between the Carpathian mountains and the Danube (the former being mountains in central and eastern Europe, and the latter a major European river). They were so terrified of the Huns, they tried their luck in deeper Roman lands, causing problems for the Romans due to the fact that the Germanic tribes they were attacking caused uprisings against the Romans. Naturally, the Romans were, you know, pissed about this. Oddly enough, the Romans used the Huns as mercenaries to quell some of the uprisings. In a sense the Huns were doubling up on the gold - raiding the towns and then taking the gold from the Romans for defending them against those that fled. Point, Huns.

Attila, pictured killing a man with his thoughts alone.
On the left is the earliest known depiction of a facepalm.

This is about the time our bloodthirsty anti-hero enters the mix. Atilla and Bleda (brothers) came into control of the Hunnic empire after the death of the king in 434. The Roman emperor Theodosius II was wary of the Huns but made a treaty with them regardless. Not forgetting he was making a deal with a man who was less than a sterling reputation, he strengthened the walls of Constantinople, the capital of the Eastern Roman Empire. Naturally he was right to be worried, as God scourges don’t get their name through diplomacy and peace treaties. The Huns attacked the city states along the Danube sometime after, breaking the treaty in what must have honestly been pretty gosh darn predictable. To compound the worries for the Romans, the Vandals (the people, not the petty criminals) began attacking the Roman province of Africa - O.K., maybe they had some criminal blood in them... Anyways, it required a great number of troops to head down there and take care of business - a great number of troops from the Balkans, which Attila and Bleda realized afterwards just became easy conquer fodder. With battering rams and siege towers (the latter being particularly ridiculous looking) they overran the military centers with ease. City after city fell, and Hun expansion was rampant.

Rome, presumedly better at weeping over the graves of the fallen than fighting the Huns, decided to offer some terms of peace - 2kg of gold, a tripled yearly tribute, and a ransom for each Roman prisoner; prisoners who I assume were treated with the utmost respect. Well, this treaty lasted for a little but, but soon Attila was at it again. He tried invading north, but soon he had to make a retreat after taking far too heavy of losses. On the way back, his brother was killed - by none other than Attila, of course. Now, once again this comes down to a lack of written evidence, but it seems that either he killed his brother outright or his brother tried to kill him, in which he retaliated. Either way - dead Belda, full-power Attila. I believe in Age of Empires 2, Bleda attacked Attila, and they've never steered me wrong before.

Once again, he turned his sights on Rome and rampaged the Balkans as far as Thermopylae. He would have taken the capital of the historically bombarded Constantinople if it wasn’t for the fact that they hastily rebuilt their walls (previously damaged in an earthquake, an act of God that almost helped the “Scourge of God”) it would have fallen. The lands around them did not fare so well - a witness recounts: “And there were so many murders and blood-lettings that the dead could not be numbered. Ay, for they took captive the churches and monasteries and slew the monks and maidens in great numbers.” Sheesh. Even the maidens.

Oddly enough, he made an alliance with the Western Roman Empire and the emperor Valentinian III, helped along by his good standing with the general Flavius Aetius, one of the greatest generals with a rhyming name. This was all well and good until Valentinian’s sister Honoria decided that she didn’t want to marry the Roman senator she was set to wed (in all fairness, Roman senators were typically old and gross looking, if movies have told me anything) and asked the leader of the barbaric Huns for marriage advice. And by marriage advice, I mean she sent her engagement ring and a note pleading for help. Attila, actually somewhat reasonable in this case, thought that meant an invitation for marriage. Atilla, being slightly less reasonable, thought it would be all gravy to take half the Western Empire as a dowry. She was eventually exiled (although Valentinian was down for straight up murdering her).

Uh... I think he's the guy on the white horse on the right.
Or one of the flying ones. I'm not sure. He's there, though.

Despite the exile, Attila has not forgotten Honoria and was quite excited about the prospect. In 452 he invaded Italy and raided and ravaged as he stormed his merry way to Rome. As a sidenote, Venice was actually created through this as many citizens fled and took up residence elsewhere while Attila was wrecking their homeland. Attila’s advance was slowed due to Aetius, who despite having small numbers, attacked without major battles but instead with minor skirmishes called shadow forces - not as cool as ninjas, but with an equally cool name. Further hurting the Hun advance was disease and hunger; the crops that year were particularly poor, and ransacking the cities did little to feed the army. While he still could have likely sacked Rome, Valentinian sent three envoys and successfully discussed the terms of peace with the ravaged Huns. Attila retreated back to his lands, presumedly weepy over a lack of a good Roman wife.

While the life of a Hun surely was not a safe one, Attila met a tragically boring end. He died of what was most likely either a nosebleed or complications from too much alcohol. No final stand, no bloody war, but either a child’s problem or a frat boy’s problem. His tomb was made of gold, iron and silver and the men who buried him were murdered in order to keep the location of his tomb of mystery. There we go, Attila. That’s much more your style.

While we cannot know for sure, it is safe to assume that once Attila's mother learned of her pregnancy, she proclaimed: "I've got a Hun in the oven!".

Famous Historical Figures Say the Darndest Things

Unfortunately, this section has to remain empty. As far as I can tell, there are no quotes from Attila due to the whole "no written language thing." You don't need to read to raid.