Napoleon Bonaparte

There are three stages of university that allow you to gauge where you are in terms of the degree in which you care about your grades. The first stage is your early years where you still believe attendance is going to better you and your marks regardless of what is going on that day. The second stage is when you start becoming jaded and you realize you can easily miss the presentations and still be O.K. - this happened in EDIT (years later I have yet to learn what that acronym stands for) class when we had three weeks straight of presentations, of which I attended two. The third stage is where I’m at today. You show up for the first time in a while and realize there’s presentations going on, but at that point it’s too late to skip out on them. Your past attendance record (or lack thereof) was ultimately your undoing. 

"'I am the state'? Ha! I
am the fancy!"

Naturally, this seemed like a good time to learn some history. I’ve been facing an embarrassingly strong addiction to Civilization 5 lately. The game centers around real civilizations, so the leaders have certain unique buildings and military units are all related to the cultures you choose. Of course, all of the leaders are major figures in history as well. I usually choose Napoleon in these games because generations ago I apparently have some Frenchmen in the ancestry. I would choose Canada, but unfortunately they aren’t in the game. Honestly, having John A. Macdonald as a leader with Mounties as a unique military unit and a Maple Syrup Facility or Hockey Rink as their unique buildings that replace a market or stadium respectively would be freaking amazing. I’d play that in a heartbeat, but alas, no such option exists. I suppose I’ll have to settle with this fanciful man in knee socks and tight pants who is apparently checking how effective his ab workouts have been as of late (see left).

To justify my addiction I feel I should at least take something out of it and learn a little of the history of the guy that I’m currently rolling over Ghandi as (suck it, pacifists, I have musketmen). This meant a little wikipediaing during the presentations in which I learned a lot. Somehow, the man in the above picture was one of the greatest military commanders of all time. He also rose to the rank of emperor, a title slightly cooler than king and slightly less so than czar. Bonaparte was the first of which France has seen in over a thousand years. He also benefitted from having a 1970s rock star mullet (as seen below) - with a bow because... because France.

Napoleon, ruining his picture with
that absolutely ridiculous bow.

Napoleon’s wikipedia entry got me off to an interesting start. Apparently, he was born into a family of noble Italian ancestry. The future French emperor with Italian parents? That’s a little confusing. They sure as heck wouldn’t allow that in America - just ask Arnold Scwarzenegger.  But anyways, Napoleon’s early life wasn’t really so consequential - at least not compared to the importance the timeframe in which he was born was. Napoleon would be about twenty years old at the time of the French Revolution, which in a sense paved the path to his eventual rise to power. He became a military commander in the French First Republic which came to be shortly after the revolution when everyone was... well lets just say there were some beheadings going on and everything was going pretty bananas. The other European monarchies, both seeing a possible weakness in the French and fearful of a revolution against the monarchies of their own respective lands, waged wars in attempts to squelch the revolutionary might. Bonaparte had a bone to pick (sigh... sorry) and went off to war against Austria and Prussia. Napoleon held them off leaving only the Brits to fight, who without allies soon gave way to the advance - at least for now.

Soon after they were at it again in the Second Coalition. However, this time it started sans Bonaparte, who was off in Egypt at the time causing some trouble and flipping off the sphinx. Upon hearing word that his homeland was going to war again, he returned and held the line once more. He also led a successful invasion of the Italian peninsula, and considering Napoleon’s “I raid who I want to and when I want to” type attitude, he probably just wanted some pizza. Possibly lasagna if his small stature made him particularly cat-like.

Having made a name for himself, he started to convene with revolutionaries to stage a coup d’etat with Abbe Sieyes, a politician in the republic in power at the time in the wake of the revolution. However, in a Seinfeld-esque ruse, he formed a coup within a coup and eventually turned it into a military affair, which he would naturally be well inclined to lead. He then became first council until becoming an emperor after a plebiscite. In short, not only was Napoleon an excellent military commander, but he really knew how to play his political cards right. To quote him: “I am sometimes a fox and sometimes a lion. The whole secret of government lies in knowing when to be the one or the other.” He basically bided his time until he could use his force. He’s like Hitler except without all the anti-semitism and mustaches. In fact, maybe if Hitler learned from Napoleon’s mistakes in attacking Russia, we would have a very different world as we know it, but more on that later.

Shortly after his rise to emperor, he fought a number of wars against - guess who? - even more coalitions. He was incredibly successful and soon began to dominate much of Europe. While the map didn’t necessarily reflect just how wide reaching Napoleon’s rule was, this wasn’t because of a lack of army value or power. Instead, he employed many of  his family in vassal states, meaning he sent his relatives to rule over other countries thus maintaining French loyalty and power. He was basically rolling through Europe as an unstoppable machine, but he feared fighting Britain and left them relatively untouched. I mean, they didn’t call it the Hundred Years War for nothing - fighting Britain, a country known for their vast armies and mighty sea power, would be a nightmare to attack. Surely, attacking Russia would be the better plan, thought Hitler. Err... I mean, Napoleon.

Nope. Attacking Russia is never a good idea. Not because of number of troops, fighting ability or weaponry. Oh no. Russia doesn’t need that. Russia had two major factors that proved to defeat the French advance, and those were cold and sheer size. The Russians simply didn’t fight the French very often, and instead retreated further and further into the heart of Russian territory. They used their scorched earth policy, meaning they burned everything in their wake, leaving no supplies to forage to fuel the increasingly hungry and battle weary Frenchmen. An eventual retreat was inevitable, in which the cold Russian winter set in and did more damage than weaponry ever could. Napoleon was broken, and he was later exiled to Elba. 

However, Napoleon thought himself indomitable, and exile just wasn’t made for him. He returned to France and rose to power once again before being defeated at Waterloo, his last stand. His second reign was much shorter and held nowhere near the same steam his previous expedition had. Once again, he was sent into confinement and, under suspicious circumstances, Napoleon was no more.

Time-traveller aficionados argue to this day if "Napoleon Dynamite" was named after Bonaparte, or the other way around.

Famous Historical Figures Say the Darndest Things!

1. "There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous."
2. "I am a monarch of God's creation, and you reptiles of the earth dare not oppose me. I render an account of my government to none save God and Jesus Christ."
3. "Destiny urges me to a goal of which I am ignorant. Until that goal is attained I am invulnerable, unassailable. When destiny has accomplished her purpose in me, a fly may suffice to destroy me."